What did I do last night? I can barely remember, as my head is still feeling like it may float off at any minute.
Oh yeah. It was good to get a phone call from my wife around 9pm, as this made me feel a little better. She said I should eat something, and although I thought it was too late to be eating, I threw something together anyway and felt a bit better for it.
I wasn't really that tired, (I had been sleeping all day, remember) so I thought I'd take the laptop to bed and do a little gaming on it, to totally switch my brain off. I decided to install a classic RPG (Role Playing Game) called Diablo II. And after much messing around trying to get it to work properly with a third party custom resolution modifier (basically, some software that you configure to force the game to run at a higher resolution that it was designed to run at, in this case 800 pixels wide by 600 pixels high), I got it running at my laptop's native resolution of 1440 x 900. Result. Start game, mindless hack and slash with feelings of nostalgia :)
I'm a gaming g33k and I don't care :P
If there's one thing that helps me take my mind off things, it's tweaking with my computers. Most people hate the things and would sooner give it to someone else to fix, but as I have always fixed and built my own by teaching myself (the best, and cheapest way!) since 1998, I love to get stuck in; sometimes I'm like a dog with a bone and will not leave it until it's fixed.
But it provides some focus if I'm not feeling too great mentally. And although my session with my therapist the other day went really well, the over-sight of missing my dose of 'happy pills' kinda messed me up. It's silly that it should. The drugs take around 4 - 6 weeks to really do their work, so I find it strange that missing a dose can affect one so easily. But that's the nature of them, I guess. So consequently, I now have set a daily alarm at 10pm, reminding me to take them. A good idea, methinks.
I've also been working on my other blog "Two wheels, Two Feet and a Camera" after feedback from another blogger; instead of having reams of text on the landing page, there's a large header image, with smaller images underneath linking to my posts and as it's a photography blog, it makes sense. I will be customising it further when I can afford to pay the fee of $17 per year.
I write this still feel pretty light headed; it's a horrible feeling, mixed in with a little nausea and a bile taste in my mouth. From what? I wish I knew, as I haven't had any painkillers today which can often give me that horrible taste. This is also interspersed with that nasty, hacking cough.
Anyway, my wife is home tonight, just for a flying visit then she's away again tomorrow, so I'll look forward to that.
I just hope that I can wake up tomorrow feeling better, as I'm really missing getting out on my bike. It just pisses me off that whenever I get even a minor cold, it lasts so much longer than it should.
I don't think I'll be out on the Wednesday evening club run :(
I spent most of the night coughing a really, horrible drawn out wheezy cough springing deep from my chest. I also went to bed in a good mood after sinking a couple of glasses of red with the wife. But the cough was keeping me awake, it was keeping my wife awake. So I slept in the spare room. I still didn't sleep, perhaps maybe three hours.
My wife came in to say good bye as she left for work at 06:30 and I felt 'wrong' even then, with a stonking head ache, but I managed to get back to sleep. Woke up again at 9am, tried to read a book but it hurt my head too much, so went back to sleep until 12.
I woke up and felt even worse, like I was going to puke. My head was still pounding, but I managed to stomach a banana and some toast. I sat down and tried to do some work on my laptop, but couldn't. I felt incredibly light-headed and sick to the stomach. So I collapsed onto the sofa with some music at a light volume, and fell asleep again. I woke up at 4pm. Thankfully, my head-ache had gone, which I attributed to the red wine; having alcohol when you're already ill probably isn't the best thing to do.
So, I made a brew and some more toast and sat outside on the bench with a photography magazine and read for a bit. But I felt so wrong, just ill. Just dizzy and sickly. I decided to go up into the loft to get some pics from the sky light, to try and take my mind off it.
Pictures taken, and here I am looking through them and editing them, listening to some music. But for goodness sake, I feel ill. My shoulders feel tense, my hands are a little shaky, I still feel sick and I'm really light-headed. And until around 30 or 40 minutes ago, I had no idea why I feel so bad.
But I've started to feel depressed and sad. And a little tearful. The penny drops.
I forgot to take my 100mg of anti-depressant last night before bed. At least, I don't remember taking them.
And now I feel very depressed and sad. The drugs are starting to wear off a little. Which makes me mad.
It just demonstrates how much I have to rely on the damn things, and why if I miss a dose, it can affect me pretty badly. Which is one reason why being back in work makes me very anxious.
I'm not sure what to do for the rest of the evening; I don't want to sleep, although I may end up that way. I have to try and fight the urge to get upset. I'm even tempted to stick my fingers down my throat to force me to throw up.
Anyway, this is an example of how if you're on a high dose daily, missing one can really mess you up.
On May 1st, I went to see my brilliant therapist, Adam May. I've seen him a good few times now, based in his wonderfully converted tailors and drapers establishment on Anglesey. It's a building and environment that encourages relaxation and peace. He's always very welcoming, genuinely pleased to see me, very friendly and most importantly, he makes us both a nice cup of coffee to start the session! These sessions usually last around an hour or so, sometimes longer.
Hello. As you may have noticed I haven't really written much over the past few weeks. This is because if I don't feel like I have anything to write about, then I won't. It could be that I have become complacent again, but there are a number of reasons for this.
Hi all Well, so far this week I have been OK, despite not being able to get out on the bike due to pretty crappy weather. I've had one or two anxious moments where I had to check myself and have been largely irritated by the dog unfortunately. Actually, now I think of it, the cat has been bugging me too!
Wow. What a period of change I am going through. It's actually quite amazing for somebody like me. I'm so used to just looking at everything negatively or with a bleak outlook. But since a couple of weeks ago, through my own hard work, I feel so much different.
I couldn't really post yesterday as I had my daughter with me, and a nice time we had too.
Today I'm feeling OK and only a little anxious about one thing in particular, but that's nothing I can't handle and besides, it's more a 'healthy' anxious or what most people would call 'normal'.
Today I'm going to write about another subject that helps to keep my depression at bay and it may even turn some of you away, as it's often a boring subject for most people and reserved for 'geeks'. But I'd like you to stay and read if you can, you may learn something...
I hope you're all feeling well and happy today; hey it's the weekend!
Usual thing first. Up early again at 05:30 and feeling happy. Had a great night last night at friends and had a couple of drinks and dinner. Thanks guys! Today we are all going mountain biking on one of our local trails, the Marin in Betws y Coed. So that should be fun (and very wet!). I'll look forward to picking my daughter up for her stay over later on :)
So, that kinda links me to what I wanted to talk about today.
Before I go on (literally!) I just want to say a big thank you for the huge response I have had from this. Not just the well wishes on my Facebook page, but also from the number of hits on the blog I have had; 209 yesterday alone! I am astounded with the response. This was never an exercise in 'hey, look at me give me attention'; like I've said primarily it's to help me and to educate others. So, thank you it means a lot to me!
Hello again. I've noticed that I've had quite a few hits on both posts so far, so I'm feeling quietly confident that people are interested in what I have to say.
Firstly, I woke up feeling a little anxious today, but I think that was because my wife had gone back to work so I was alone in the house. But, I resisted the urge to take some diazepam and took the dog out for a good stick throw! I then came home and wrote a list of objectives for the day.
Before I begin with writing my (hopefully) daily posts, I want to open my heart out to you, whoever you are and where ever you may be in the world. I'm writing this to help me and to add my little bit of awareness to the world.
I intend to make this as frank as possible in a world that has only recently recognised depression as a serious, and debilitating illness. Some things I talk about may be hard for you to stomach; that is my intention. But that said, I don't intend on making the diary depressing reading, only to educate you and to build your awareness. You may be a sufferer yourself or you may know someone who does, and want to hear it from another; we all suffer differently. Either way, I hope I can show you a thing or two. If you're not interested, then just leave. Simple. It's time that the stigma of having a mental illness was eradicated.