Thursday, 6 February 2014

Random Ramblings

Hi all

Well, so far this week I have been OK, despite not being able to get out on the bike due to pretty crappy weather. I've had one or two anxious moments where I had to check myself and have been largely irritated by the dog unfortunately. Actually, now I think of it, the cat has been bugging me too!


Sometimes, you really need a conversation. Doesn't matter what about. Just to speak with somebody when you are holed up in the house all day. Yes, I've been trying to keep busy with programming, but there's only so much you can do before you need a break and some air. 
I've missed my wife so much this week, but thankfully she's back tomorrow evening for a couple of days before she's away again until Wednesday night. Don't get me wrong, I've loved sprawling all over the bed when I go to sleep (I always end up diagonal, for some reason) but I just want her back. I need that physical contact. Skypeing and chatting on Facebook is all well and good, but there's no substitute for the real thing. She just brings me so much happiness when she is here but I find it hard to maintain when she is not; I just feel empty without her.
That's the stupid thing. I'm not without her; she's my wife and I'm happier than I've ever been. I wish I could explain it in a way that you could understand. If she hasn't contacted me for hours I feel abandoned, despite knowing that she will contact me after a certain time. It's hard trying to cope with thoughts like this, as all I really want to do is stop worrying about it and just get on. But there are feelings that are created from my thoughts that are almost impossible to turn off and it is truly horrible.

Being abandoned is a horrible feeling, as is the feeling of being abandoned, and I have first hand experience.

On a positive note, I managed to get out on the hill this week and what a fantastic day that was! I went with a photographer friend of mine who was as excited about getting out somewhere different as I was; and to think I nearly cancelled! We had perfect lighting conditions and no rain for pretty much the entire walk, so we couldn't have been luckier. It was so nice to feel the wind and the cold on my face and to have some good (and amusing!) company doing something I really enjoy; there is no better medicine to combat depression than the outdoors.


Me on the 689 metre summit of Cnicht, Snowdonia with Snowdon in the distance. I can almost feel the cold and wind...
There's a side-effect to all this though. The amount of happy endorphins released during and after the walk tend to subside to a level below where they should be to keep my mood in check. So the day after (yesterday) I felt pretty down and tearful. What I need to do when this happens, is instead look at and recall the feelings of happiness I had and focus on them, instead of being sad that I'm not there now. It's all too easy to fall into the trap my mind creates.

Today I've been a bit better, but still irritable; the dog woke me at 4am from a deep sleep which really angered me and I let him know it by shouting at him. If I don't get good quality, unbroken sleep, I can suffer the next day, as can those around me. I know it's not the dog's fault, he doesn't know any better, but it pissed me off all the same.

I had a surprise phone call from my mother in law, which was nice as they know my troubles and like to ensure I'm not sat at home gibbering in a corner. It's nice to have people that really care, for once and I'm very grateful for that.

I'm having my daughter over for dinner tonight which I'm looking forward to, so she will keep me entertained for a couple of hours and we can give each other the cuddles we look forward to. Plus I get to drive over and pick her up; I LOVE DRIVING! I always feel very free when driving my car; it has given me the independence I have always wanted. Well, if I've fuel in the tank!

Anyway, I know this post has been a little random but it has helped me put my mind in order, which is the whole point.

Thanks for reading.

Elton

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