Friday, 21 February 2014

I've Been Complacent...


I haven't posted in a while because I have been feeling OK. But unfortunately, therein lies the problem...'s called complacency. I'm a bugger for it. But we all do it, in some way or another. The problem for me is this; if I'm feeling 'OK' I don't feel as though I should be working on my depression and anxiety but in fact, I am only cheating myself out of improving my situation. But I asked myself "Why do I need to work on these problems I have if I'm feeling OK?" If I'm not feeling or thinking the thoughts that lead me into a hole and escalating anxiety, then surely I have no work to do?

How wrong was I.

Yesterday, for the first time in quite a while, I felt pretty down. My reasons? Guilt and/or feeling like a loser because I'm currently surviving off the people I love. I hate the fact that my wife works so hard to keep us afloat and I do nothing to put food on the table. I just feel like I am a burden to her at times, just another mouth to feed. I'm NOT a sponger, but I feel like one.

Here's the other problem.

I want to work, I really do as I'm not 'work shy' and never have been; I'm ex-Army for goodness sake so I know what hard work is. My problem is to do with the fact that when I start to think about working, it scares me and makes me very anxious. Am I ready to put myself back in a work environment? My wife answered this for me; no, I'm not. She said I need more time for myself and more time to manage my illness and other issues that come with it. The last thing I want to do is be in a position of employment and encounter something that either makes me angry or incredibly anxious, or when my wife is away again I end up panicking. I would either walk out of the job or I would get into serious trouble for not being able to manage my emotions or not approaching management/colleagues. Which leads me on to my next point.

I also fear discrimination by employers. Applying for jobs in the past I always decided against disclosing my illness, although this wasn't a good move as it often cropped up later, but my performance as an employee always saved me. This time though, when I apply for a job, I will be as transparent as possible in explaining to them why I've been out of work for so long and why I made no effort to find work. Yes, some employers will undoubtedly discriminate because as yet, they do not understand depression and come on folks, you'd be na├»ve to think employers don't discriminate. A good employer however, will listen and hopefully learn from what I tell them and appreciate my openness and honesty; this can only work in my favour.

So you see my quandary. I want to work so I can earn a wage and help support my wife and daughter, but my mental state still will not allow this, at the moment.

Some of you already know that I want to work towards a career in web development. And whilst I have been studying quite hard at home for this, I am lacking the structure of a course run by an accredited provider; who happen to be these people. So, I am going to save a little money and pay for a course at the start of April to give me the structure I need. Although I will already be familiar with a lot of the course, at least I will have had it drilled in to me; I could probably write a basic web page with my eyes shut at the moment!

I also need to stop with the complacency and if I need to write things down, then write them down on this blog or anywhere; I guess I haven't been as I'm concerned that my readers, you guys, will not really be interested in what I have to say. So I think "What's the point?". But you have been reading, so thank you; proving myself wrong. Again.

But there is a point. It helps me. I'm being open and honest with the people that know me, which will go some way I hope, to earn your respect.
I'm not just a lazy bum avoiding work. I am genuinely ill. Nor is this a justification for my actions; I don't need to justify myself to anyone. I am me.

It'll be me that decides when I'm ready to go to work.

Thanks guys.


No comments:

Post a Comment