I haven't posted in a while because I have been feeling OK. But unfortunately, therein lies the problem...
...it's called complacency. I'm a bugger for it. But we all do it, in some way or another. The problem for me is this; if I'm feeling 'OK' I don't feel as though I should be working on my depression and anxiety but in fact, I am only cheating myself out of improving my situation. But I asked myself "Why do I need to work on these problems I have if I'm feeling OK?" If I'm not feeling or thinking the thoughts that lead me into a hole and escalating anxiety, then surely I have no work to do?
How wrong was I.
Yesterday, for the first time in quite a while, I felt pretty down. My reasons? Guilt and/or feeling like a loser because I'm currently surviving off the people I love. I hate the fact that my wife works so hard to keep us afloat and I do nothing to put food on the table. I just feel like I am a burden to her at times, just another mouth to feed. I'm NOT a sponger, but I feel like one.
Here's the other problem.
I want to work, I really do as I'm not 'work shy' and never have been; I'm ex-Army for goodness sake so I know what hard work is. My problem is to do with the fact that when I start to think about working, it scares me and makes me very anxious. Am I ready to put myself back in a work environment? My wife answered this for me; no, I'm not. She said I need more time for myself and more time to manage my illness and other issues that come with it. The last thing I want to do is be in a position of employment and encounter something that either makes me angry or incredibly anxious, or when my wife is away again I end up panicking. I would either walk out of the job or I would get into serious trouble for not being able to manage my emotions or not approaching management/colleagues. Which leads me on to my next point.
I also fear discrimination by employers. Applying for jobs in the past I always decided against disclosing my illness, although this wasn't a good move as it often cropped up later, but my performance as an employee always saved me. This time though, when I apply for a job, I will be as transparent as possible in explaining to them why I've been out of work for so long and why I made no effort to find work. Yes, some employers will undoubtedly discriminate because as yet, they do not understand depression and come on folks, you'd be naïve to think employers don't discriminate. A good employer however, will listen and hopefully learn from what I tell them and appreciate my openness and honesty; this can only work in my favour.
So you see my quandary. I want to work so I can earn a wage and help support my wife and daughter, but my mental state still will not allow this, at the moment.
Some of you already know that I want to work towards a career in web development. And whilst I have been studying quite hard at home for this, I am lacking the structure of a course run by an accredited provider; who happen to be these people. So, I am going to save a little money and pay for a course at the start of April to give me the structure I need. Although I will already be familiar with a lot of the course, at least I will have had it drilled in to me; I could probably write a basic web page with my eyes shut at the moment!
I also need to stop with the complacency and if I need to write things down, then write them down on this blog or anywhere; I guess I haven't been as I'm concerned that my readers, you guys, will not really be interested in what I have to say. So I think "What's the point?". But you have been reading, so thank you; proving myself wrong. Again.
But there is a point. It helps me. I'm being open and honest with the people that know me, which will go some way I hope, to earn your respect.
I'm not just a lazy bum avoiding work. I am genuinely ill. Nor is this a justification for my actions; I don't need to justify myself to anyone. I am me.
It'll be me that decides when I'm ready to go to work.