Well, here I am again. Wondering. Staring. Full of boredom and irritation. But irritation at what?
I had a really crappy night's sleep last night. I was up until 1am, trying to figure out something on my computer and like anything I get stuck into on my PC, I'm like a dog with a bone; I don't let go unless I become bored or just run out of solutions. So come 1am, I was tired but still not switched off enough to sleep, so I read one of my many fantasy novels, "The Thousand Orcs" by R A Salvatore. This is a trilogy that I've already read, but it's very good so I'm reading it again before I get stuck into my Horus Heresy novels(Warhammer 40,000; one down out of fifteen in that series and what will become an addiction).
Anyway, I tried to sleep after about half an hour of reading but I couldn't; I get restless legs which is an actual syndrome. Although I don't have it as severe as some people (it's quite mild, in fact) it's enough of an irritation to keep me awake for a long time. Which it did, until around 3am, when I assume I finally got to sleep. Only to wake regularly, either due to my legs twitching or from disturbing dreams that I was having.
Here's some fact for you: if you dream deeply during sleep, you will feel absolutely exhausted when you wake up for the rest of the day. Believe it or not, but dreaming uses energy. Depression sufferers like me are quite susceptible to this kind of dreaming. They are rarely normal in nature and often surreal, occasionally upsetting and disturbing. Thing is, unlike my wife, I rarely remember my dreams; all I remember from one was that Bailey was chasing the cat quite aggressively (very unlike him, he wouldn't know aggression if it bit him in the face, thankfully) around the house. Eventually, the cat turned around, jumped on his back and bit him hard between his shoulders, drawing plenty of blood. Despite hardly having any teeth, bless her. And as I cannot find the picture I wanted of the cat yawning, here's one of said vicious hound instead, and yes, I have manipulated his eyes to make him look more like he's a denizen of the Underworld:
Well I hope you found that amusing; I know I did! I can imagine my wife laughing at this when she sees it ;)
So, I awoke today feeling totally tired out and completely unable to motivate myself to do anything aside from walk the above referenced denizen. My irritation is causing me irritation, infinitely compounding it.
I had intended on cycling over onto Anglesey and doing a 56 mile loop, but my legs didn't feel it and if my body screams no, then it's not a good idea, as I'd end up 'bonking'. And no that's nothing sexual. It's what we cyclists say when we run out of energy on a ride; it is an awful feeling where every pedal stroke is sucking out your being and all you really want to do is collapse sideways in a heap and go to sleep. Nine times out of ten, said bonk will happen when you are miles from home, as has happened to me on more than one occasion. Besides, it was/is windy and cycling over to Aberffraw in a head-wind I can assure you is zero fun, as any of my cycling friends reading this will attest to.
I also thought it'd be nice to take the hound around Dinorwig quarry for a walk, but again, I talked myself out of doing that; so not only am I suffering, he is too, despite already having a walk today. Again, this is something I normally enjoy doing, as I love those quarries.
And yesterday, whilst making a cup of tea, out of habit picked up two cups to make a brew; one for my wife also. I realised she wasn't there and I literally cried on the spot, as I felt so lonely. Thankfully it only lasted a couple of minutes, but it's enough to make me sad. She doesn't know this yet, at least until she reads this.
Now boredom has set in. I have been trying to fix this blasted issue with a particular computer game that refuses to run smoothly on Windows 8, so naturally, this has increased my irritation as have the two cups of strong coffee I've so far guzzled. Like other things in my life, I find it difficult to let go and if I am determined to fix something on my computer, I damn well will! It isn't broken, I just don't like how it's behaving as I like things to work perfectly on my machine.
It's just a shame I struggle to apply this determination in a mental context where my depression is concerned, but that's why I'm receiving help.
At least I'm not eating, but there's still calories in coffee mind and I certainly feel light-headed. Plus I've eaten the biscuits and chocolate I had in the house already. Bugger.
Seriously though, when boredom sets in, I feel very down and very de-motivated and I literally don't want to do anything. It is so hard to pick myself up, despite knowing full well that physical activity will make me feel better. It's like the light at the end of the tunnel analogy; opening the door to get out is the hard part, but when you're finally out enjoying that fresh air and physical movement, the light is yours, albeit for a few hours.
So now, I sit here typing this out to you and to me, occasionally glancing out the windows at the now blue skies and listening to some music. Wondering. Staring. What to do, what to do?
Yes. Later on as the sun drops, I'll go out and do some photography, that'll make me feel better and hopefully you should see the results later/tomorrow.
Thanks for reading.