Saturday, 22 March 2014

Such a strong word...

OK well, this is the first time in a while that I have truly felt awful. About everything, about me and about my 'life' and where it is going. Or not going.


I'm writing this for my benefit so I can get it out of my head. I don't want sympathy from anybody and I also don't expect people to understand. I don't blame anybody for that. I'm where I am today through faults and mistakes I've made, as well as how I was treated as child that has seemingly damaged me beyond repair.

I HATE myself. A strong word indeed.

Truly. Where does one go from there? This has been brought on really because I am bored, fed up and frustrated with what is going on inside my head. All of the time. For months and years. I wake up wondering how long it'll take for me to get mind-numbingly bored, before I chew the insides of my cheeks and lips until they bleed or how quickly I'll become irritated by the pets mewling or whining at me expecting me to cuddle them or give them attention when I just won't. Some days I wish that they weren't here. Wondering whether I should go out on my bike or not, even if the weather is OK. Not being able to make the simplest, damn decision!

Most of you go to work every day and earn a living; you are very lucky people all of you. To be able to do that without fear of your emotions getting the better of you and putting your job at risk. Me? I sit at home on my computer, playing games, surfing the web or whatever. It's no life for a 38 year old 'man'. I'm no man. I've never felt like a man. Instead I've always felt massively inadequate and hopeless alongside my peers; a lot of the time I just feel like an empty shell, a husk. I've had the life sucked out of me by mental illness, constantly up and down on a roller coaster that never stops to let me off. The only thing that is in this shell, is a child stuck at a point in his life where he is unable to mature mentally, like a record that is stuck; if only it was as easy to move forwards for him as it is to move that needle across a notch so it can continue playing.

Today I pulled my old mountain bike down out of the loft and threw it together with what parts I still had. But then I became really unhappy that I have to scrabble around for parts that are already knackered instead of being able to just buy a few new bits. Maybe you're thinking 'get a job' and if you are, then you've obviously not followed my other blog posts.

I wish I could. More than anything. But there is something preventing me. Fear. Irrationality perhaps. My lack of self-worth. How did I become this way!? I hate, hate, HATE what I have become. I do not know what anybody sees in me as a friend and especially as a husband.

The really shit thing is? I'm a bloody good person. But I have never felt like I have been given a throw line. Not ever. This is not a case of 'oh woe is me' and all that crap; it isn't. I have not deserved a lot of the bad things that have happened to me, only those things that I have brought on myself which I acknowledge. I have always tried to make friends and have usually been accepted and have even been called a 'legend' by a couple of my wife's friends. Even after I explained about my depression in my wedding speech, they still are friends with me; these people I am truly grateful for. But I don't deserve them. You know who you are and I thank every single one of you for accepting me for who I am.

I like to think I'm occasionally fun to be around. And I know that I can be.

But when I spend my days with my head swirling full of thoughts and feeling constantly frustrated because I don't know what the fuck to do with myself, I just want to run away and hide. Not speak to anybody or see anybody, because I don't feel worthy of their time or attention. Friends will contact me and I will often avoid them, not because of them, but because of me. So it's little wonder I don't have close friends because I don't make the effort, because it's often a battle for me to do so!

Spending your life constantly battling with your emotions and thoughts and feelings is a total drain and this is often what stops me seeing people who really do care about me. Because my head is too jumbled. So when I laugh and joke with them, although I mean it, I feel like a fraud. This is why I spend so much time alone. This is why I say I'll go on a club ride and then don't (despite knowing that it'll be good for me and people will be genuinely glad to see me). This is why I'll go on rides alone and take a selfie; because it is an image of me that is smiling and feeling happy, doing the thing I love the most - cycling; it's not about posing (even if I do look good in lycra). See that? In all this doom and gloom, there is still always a spark of humour in there.

I live in fear of everything. It's completely irrational and no matter how hard I try to be rational, it rarely sticks. I want to be a man. A real man. My amazing wife may think of me this way, but I do not. I have a fear of people, fear of being trampled by them or my dreams quashed. Am I kidding myself thinking that I will be a successful web programmer/designer in a few years? I honestly don't know.

What I do know, is that I think I will only be successful if I can work for myself. And that's a major part of the problem, right there. How do I overcome my irrational fear of people? How do I stop avoiding people that care about me? How much longer can my excuses continue for not wanting to socialise?

I don't know. I want to change.

Because I hate my Jekyll and Hyde self.

Elton

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